Happy Thanksgiving...

Today, on thanksgiving, I have soo much to be thankful for. If you have been reading this month, you know this and I won't bore you with all of that. However, I spent the better part of the morning reflecting on the year so far, so many things could have went so differently, not that they went perfectly, but as it stands now, I wouldn't change any part of it as it has made me a different and better person.

Here are two of the things I am most thankful for...

Greyson...who is a dynamo I can hardly keep up with...

And Gunner...who is getting so big, so strong, so fast....missing my sweet newborn.

Giving thanks...Day 13

Today, I give thanks for everyone who has put up with my incessant germ warfare. My weapons of choice being lysol, bleach, hand sanitizer and disinfecting wipes of all kinds.

For the most part, these are people know what I am battling, so they do it easily and willingly, but there are some people who don't know why I am so crazy about germs (one was my husband till recently, who I have now converted into my cultlike germ killing bandwagon). I think he now appreciates my anal cleaning techniques and vitamin pushing as he (with an obviously lower immune system than I) has not gotten sick this season yet (knock on wood)...

But to those who unquestionably wash hands till dry and cracked, stay away if sick, sequester children and force hand washing on them, when around my preemie, I thank you.

So, today, I give thanks for those who have not thought me crazy (or didn't let me know you did) and went along with my war on germs.

Giving thanks...Day 12

This is overdue, written in hindsight, but today, I give thanks for SLEEP. Sleep is a wonderful and glorious thing. It restores our bodies and rewards us for a long day's work.

No, my sweet baby boy IS NOT sleeping thru the night, and I will not sleep train him to do so, he will do that when he is ready to. He is my last and I refuse to rush him to do anything. However, he did give me five sound uninterupted hours of glorious sleep...and for that, yes, I am thankful.

Today, I give thanks for sleep.

Giving Thanks..Day 11

Today, I am thankful for Fall. I absolutely love the season. It is by far my favorite. This fall has been especially beautiful and has given me lots of pics to be thankful for. So while this entry is not heavy in words, it will be in pictures...these were all taken at our house. Just gorgeous!

Greyson in the leaves
Gunner in the bumbo...I didn't realize how beautiful this was till I saw it online

Geryson in the leaves

Miles and miles of leaves make a little boy smile....

Greyson and I in "Frank" He loved that!

So, today, I give thanks for the beautiful fall we have had here!

Giving Thanks...Day 10

Today, I give thanks for my job. I knew from day one that this was meant to do. For those of you who don't know, I am an instructor at a community college in rural Michigan. I have been at SMC for five years now and I love it.

Teaching is my passion and I consider the chance to shape who my students will become and educate sincerley a privilege. I have found that as I became a mother and now the experiences of the summer, only make me love my job more and appreciate my chance to share with my students things that are really important. Yes, it is related the ciriculum, I teach developmental psychology.

However, aside from the teaching aspect, I still appreciate my job. Yes, I live in Michigan, so to have one is a blessing alone, with the unemployment rate being 15.1% (my husband being one of the unlucky statistics).

The schedule is probably one of the most amazing parts of my job. The flexibility I am allowed has made it possible for me to be a mom, seeing my sons go through their babyhood, take them to doctor appointments, and shelter Gunner from the big bad RSV germs. Due to my summers off, I also missed no work during my bedrest and Gunner's time in the NICU, so instead of being really stressed with finances, we are only a little stressed :)

Today, I give thanks for my job.



found that I love it more everytime something happens that I have always enjo





The flexibility in my schedule has

Giving Thanks...Day 9

Today, I give thanks to all of the people I have never met. Yes, these are people who have supported me through the last seven months on line. Through their stories and pictures of their beautiful children, they have given me hope.

First, it was the women of the high-risk pregnancy board. They were all in a similar boat to me by having a pregnancy that was not text book. Some were on bed rest, some were dealing with preterm labor, some had gestational diabetes, some were previous preemie moms going thru the complications a second time, some suffered through infertility and were blessed (or multiply blessed) with a baby only to face complications with pregnancy, some had pPROM like me...the list goes on and on. Simply put these were women that understood what I was going thru when I wasn't sure if I understood myself. I cried when they posted struggles, I celebrated when they posted their birth stories, and I found myself friends with these women...all who I have never met.

Then, it was the preemie boards. These women are remarkably strong and amazing. They are the moms some of the most amazing kids I will never meet. Their babies were born at all different gestations. Some much younger than my sweet boy, some actually older than him. All have been thru the trenches and have earned their wings by lovingly parenting a preemie. I sometimes feel almost guilty for thinking myself part of their club (a club no one wants to belong to) because my son is thriving so. He has not suffered thru months of bradies and apneas, PDAs, IVHs, brain bleeds, NEC or ROP. He is blessed (as am I) to not have any of these issues. But these gracious women accept me and my boy and celebrate his gains with me, even if their child isn't there yet. It is very humbling to say the least. And again, I have never met them.

Finally, there are a few women who I "met" early on thru stumbling on their blogs while searching for support and answers to what to expect with my son. I feel like we are friends. I read about their lives on a near daily basis. I laugh and cry with them, because I so can relate. These are women who have losses so profound when I compare my own challenges to theirs. They are women I really look up to, but again, have never met them.

So today, I give thanks for so many I have never met.

Giving Thanks...Day 8

Today, I give thanks for the handful of people I trust to leave my children with. It is a select few and if you are in that minority, thank you and you should feel special.


I read once that a woman has to wear her heart on the outside of her body forever, once she has a child. Whoever wrote this, could be no more right. My boys, my babies, mean the world to me. Because of this, I am very selective about who gets to watch over them while I am not there. This is the reason Brian or I drive an extra 30 minues to an hour each day to get Greyson and Gunner to hands we trust.

Up until I went in the hospital this summer Greyson had never stayed the night anywhere, always at home in his own bed with Mommy and Daddy to wake up to in the morning. This summer he spent a lot of time with his Auntie Lindsey at her house and she is his teacher at Preschool. With his allergies, I am very leery of having him in the hands of anyone but a family member. His Aunties Sunny and Lindsey are such special people, they have earned our seal of approval!

And Gunner....well take me fear and anxities with Greyson and multiply them by 80 (that is the number of days that I spent on bed rest and days he spent in the NICU) and you have my level of fear. Preemies are not like full term babies. They eat differently, need to be burped differently, have different immune systems, etc. The only person that saw that day in and out was Mimi, who choose to be there daily with me. Because of that, she earned the privilege of caring for Gunner while we are at work.

When it comes to the rare occasion that Mommy and Daddy get a night out, it is Aunt Sunny who comes to our house so the boys can be in their environment, their beds and be comfortable. This is such a blessing. To know they are home safe and comfortable.

To those special people, we definitely give thanks.

Giving Thanks...Day 7 on prematurity awareness day

Today, I give thanks for time. Time you may ask? Yes, time. How much time, 5 weeks or 31 days exactly.

What is that? That is the amount of time that made a huge difference in my life. My water broke at 28 weeks. 75% of women who experience this go into spontaneous labor 24-48 hours after that. I was in the minority who did not. I know that every day, every hour, every minute and every second that a baby stays in utero towards his due date is precious. I was able to buy 31 days of time. I have talked to many moms of babies born well before my son. I know the struggles they endured and still face today. I am so thankful for time.

What difference does this 31 days make? The March of Dimes had this to say:

What about babies born at 28 to 31 weeks gestation? These babies look quite similar to babies born earlier, although they are larger (usually between 2 and 4 pounds) and even more likely to survive (about 96 percent) (13). Many require treatment with oxygen, surfactant and assistance to help them breathe. Some of these babies can be fed breastmilk or formula through a tube placed through their nose or mouth into the stomach, although others need to be fed intravenously.
Some of these babies can cry. They can move, although their movements may be jerky. A baby born at this time can grasp a person’s finger. These babies can open their eyes, and they begin to stay awake and alert for short periods.

Babies born at 28 to 31 weeks are at risk for the complications discussed above. When complications occur, however, they may not be as severe as in babies born earlier. Babies born with very low birthweight (less than 3 pounds, 4 ounces) remain at risk for serious disabilities.

What about babies born at 32 to 33 weeks gestation? About 98 percent of babies born at this time survive (13). Most weigh between 3 and 5 pounds and appear thinner than full-term babies. Many need supplemental oxygen to help them breathe, although some can breathe on their own. Some can breast- or bottle-feed, but those who have breathing difficulties probably need tube-feeding. Babies born at this time are less likely than babies born earlier to develop serious disabilities caused by premature birth, though they remain at increased risk for learning and behavioral problems.

As you can see, the prognosis drastically improves. Time (in utero) as well as good prenatal care is the only thing that can improve this prognosis. Preemies have a ton of conditions that make them more vulnerable. Here are a couple of them explained by the March of Dimes:

What medical complications are common in premature babies? There are a number of complications that are more likely in premature than full-term babies:

Respiratory distress syndrome (RDS): About 23,000 babies a year (most of whom were born before the 34th week of pregnancy) suffer from this breathing problem (11). Babies with RDS lack a protein called surfactant that keeps small air sacs in the lungs from collapsing.
Treatment with surfactant helps affected babies breathe more easily. Since treatment with surfactant was introduced in 1990, deaths from RDS have been reduced by about half (12).
A provider may suspect a baby has RDS if she is struggling to breathe. A lung X-ray and blood tests often confirm the diagnosis.

Along with surfactant treatment, babies with RDS may need additional oxygen and mechanical breathing assistance to keep their lungs expanded. They may need the support of a ventilator or they may receive treatment called continuous positive airway pressure (CPAP). CPAP delivers pressurized air to the baby’s lungs through small tubes in the baby’s nose or through a tube that has been inserted into his windpipe. CPAP helps a baby breathe, but it does not breathe for him. The sickest babies may need the help of a ventilator to breathe for them while their lungs mature.

Apnea: Premature babies sometimes stop breathing for 20 seconds or more. This interruption in breathing is called apnea, and it may be accompanied by a slow heart rate. Premature babies are constantly monitored for apnea. If the baby stops breathing, a nurse stimulates the baby to start breathing by patting him or touching the soles of his feet.

Intraventricular hemorrhage (IVH): Bleeding in the brain occurs in some premature babies. Those born before about 32 weeks of pregnancy are at highest risk. The bleeds usually occur in the first 3 days of life and generally are diagnosed with an ultrasound.
Most brain bleeds are mild and resolve themselves with no or few lasting problems. More severe bleeds can affect the substance of the brain or cause the fluid-filled structures (ventricles) in the brain to expand rapidly. These severe bleeds can cause pressure on the brain that can lead to brain damage (such as cerebral palsy and learning and behavioral problems). When fluid persists in the ventricles, neurosurgeons may insert a tube into the brain to drain the fluid and reduce the risk of brain damage.

Patent ductus arteriosus (PDA): PDA is a heart problem that is common in premature babies. Before birth, a large artery called the ductus arteriosus lets blood bypass the lungs because the fetus gets its oxygen through the placenta. The ductus arteriosus normally closes soon after birth so that blood can travel to the lungs and pick up oxygen.

When the ductus arteriosus does not close properly, it can lead to heart failure. PDA can be diagnosed with a specialized form of ultrasound (echocardiography) or other imaging tests. Babies with PDA are treated with a drug that helps close the ductus arteriosus, although surgery may be necessary if the drug does not work.

Necrotizing enterocolitis (NEC): Some premature babies develop this potentially dangerous intestinal problem 2 to 3 weeks after birth. It can lead to feeding difficulties, abdominal swelling and other complications. NEC can be diagnosed with blood tests and imaging tests, such as X-rays. Affected babies are treated with antibiotics and fed intravenously (through a vein) while the intestine heals. In some cases, surgery is necessary to remove damaged sections of the intestine.

Retinopathy of prematurity (ROP): ROP is an abnormal growth of blood vessels in the eye that can lead to vision loss. It occurs mainly in babies born before 32 weeks of pregnancy. ROP is diagnosed during an examination by an ophthalmologist (eye doctor) several weeks after birth.
Most cases are mild and heal themselves with little or no vision loss. In more severe cases, the ophthalmologist may treat the abnormal vessels with a laser or with cryotherapy (freezing) to protect the retina and preserve vision.

Jaundice: Premature babies are more likely than full-term babies to develop jaundice because their livers are too immature to remove a waste product called bilirubin from the blood. Babies with jaundice have a yellowish color to their skin and eyes. Jaundice often is mild and usually is not harmful. However, if the bilirubin level gets too high, it can cause brain damage.
Blood tests show when bilirubin levels are too high, so providers can treat the baby with special lights (phototherapy) that help the body eliminate bilirubin, thus preventing brain damage. Occasionally, if bilirubin levels rise very high, a baby may need a special type of blood transfusion.

Anemia: Premature infants often are anemic, which means they do not have enough red blood cells. Normally, the baby stores iron during the later months of pregnancy and uses it late in pregnancy and after birth to make red blood cells. Infants born too soon may not have had enough time to store iron.

Babies with anemia tend to develop feeding problems and grow more slowly. Anemia also can worsen any heart or breathing problems. Anemic infants may be treated with dietary iron supplements (drugs that increase red blood cell production), or they may require blood transfusion.

Chronic lung disease (also called bronchopulmonary dysplasia or BPD): Chronic lung disease most commonly affects premature infants who require ongoing treatment with supplemental oxygen. The risk of BPD is increased in babies who still need oxygen when they reach 36 weeks after conception (weeks of pregnancy plus weeks after birth adding up to 36 or more weeks). These babies develop fluid in the lungs, scarring and lung damage, which can be seen on an X-ray.

Affected babies are treated with oxygen and medications that make breathing easier. Sometimes they require support from a ventilator and are weaned slowly from the device. Their lungs usually improve over the first 2 years of life. However, many children with BPD develop chronic lung disease resembling asthma.

Infections: Premature babies have immature immune systems that are inefficient at fighting off bacteria, viruses and other organisms that can cause infection. Serious infections commonly seen in premature babies include pneumonia (lung infection), sepsis (blood infection) and meningitis (infection of the membranes surrounding the brain and spinal cord). Babies can contract these infections at birth from their mother, or they may become infected after birth. Infections are treated with antibiotics or antiviral drugs.

I am thankful that I was a little older and maybe wiser when this happened. So again, time was on my side. I was given premission to sit in a chair, lay on my back, take wheelchair rides, all of which I decided to forego, as it was best for my baby to be still and calm on my left side. Gunner was extremely lucky to have an extra five weeks or 31 days in-utero, it makes the difference in our lives everyday. So today, on prematurity awareness day, I give thanks for time.

Celebrating Prematurity Awareness Day with Gunner's Birth Story

Yes, I wrote this on Gunner's due date and yes, it did take a long time to write and an even longer time to publish. The memories are just getting to where they are acceptable and I am ready to share. What better day to share them than on National Prematurity Awareness Day. In celebration of my preemie, I give you his birth story.

On the supposed to be "birthday" of my little man, I thought I might reflect with the attempt of a birth story.This of course, will not be an ordinary birth story, because they usually encompass only a day or two. Gunner's story started on May 6th even though he was not born until June 5th....Thank God.

On May 6th, I was having a great day. An uneventful trip to the grocery store. Greyson was good and rewarded with a happy meal. We came home for nap time, he went down easily, I relaxed with a book, feet up and all. Daddy got home from work gave me a kiss and then went to the bathroom. While he was in there, I felt a gush. What the heck? Did I pee my pants? I am only 28 weeks along....it cannot be my water breaking.

As he comes out, I go in....obviously looking shaken. He says to me "are you ok?" I replied "I don't know, something doesn't feel right." I went to the bathroom, more little leaks. Yep, it was my water breaking.

I call the doctor, who hesitantly tells me to head to labor and delivery. I rush to Borgess, crying, praying and stressing the entire way there, all the while not even knowing they don't have a NICU, which if the baby was born he would need. When I get there, they confirm that my water has broken and I am having contractions.

They put me on the fetal monitor, start an IV and give me betamethazone shots. All of these are to help the baby stay in or develop if he was to come soon. They do a bedside ultrasound to check on baby. He looks great. (notice I am using he, this is because it was after the fact) They make conversation..."do you know if it is a boy or girl"...not yet, that is supposed to be a surprise. They tell me little girls do better than little boys if born premature. Suddenly, I need to know, is it a boy or girl? I tell them my gut is a girl. They confirm my suspicions.

Then they come in to tell me I need to be transferred. Bronson, which has a level III NICU is full, so I am heading to Spectrum Hospital in GR.

In the ambulance, they are giving me magnesium sulfate, which slows and diminishes the contractions. By the time I make it to GR I am contraction free. They have me on 48 hours of IV antibiotics. By day two of my hospital stay, I am no longer leaking amniotic fluid. During the next two weeks I am monitored twice daily for the baby's health, I am given 3 ultrasounds, and relax as I am not leaking and everyone thinks that the amniotic sac has resealed. Rare, but a good thing.

In the ultrasounds, they do at Spectrum, I notice the small talk is normal. They always ask if it is a boy or girl. So on the first in depth ultrasound, they ask me. I smile and say we didn't want to know, but in all of the stress of this situation, we caved and found out it was a girl. Hmmm, says the tech. Yeah, everyone's buying girl preemie clothes. The tech then says, I hope they kept the receipts....what???? Yep, I am 90% sure, looking at it from this bad angle, that that is a penis. Penis? What?

She changes the angle and gets 5 money shots. All labeled BOY, pointing to the family jewels. So we found out, it, who we thought for a few days was SHE, was in all actuality HE! I had in the drama of the initial situation came up with a name for a girl. Jillian Elyse. I figured I had better since it seemed at the time, SHE was coming fast. Now, we had to settle on a boy's name. Damn.

So we continued the facade we didn't know...I just refused to believe after all of this anyone knew what the baby was.

Fast forward 14 days of monitoring, 3 ultrasounds, lots of hospital food and visits from Daddy, Mimi, Aunties Sunny, Lindsey and Jen and Uncle Ben and Bryan...I get discharged with a referral to Dr. Austin at Bronson. Good thing I got the referral, I needed it the next morning, when I woke up at 5:30am unable to sleep and noticed I was leaking fluid again.

That morning, we went to Bronson. They confirmed that I was indeed leaking fluid. This was May 21, 2009. They admitted me immediately and then did an ultrasound and a biophysical to check the functioning of the baby. He was doing awesome. He already was showing a movement in the diaphragm, indicating some maturity of the lungs. I got my second round of betamethazone to help mature the baby's lungs

So again in the hospital, this time close to home, again great nurses and doctors. All was well until Memorial Day, I was groggy and managed to tangle my foot in my sheet and hit the floor, breaking my fall with my face and knees. Yeah, that hurt...and really messed me up mentally. I had to be on the fetal monitor for 5 hours to make sure baby was ok. Of course, the baby was perfect. No contractions, good strong heartbeat.

However, the next morning, I freaked out. More fluid leakage, but it was tinged with blood. This to everyone but me was no big deal. Emotionally, physically and mentally, I was spent. At this time, I was at almost 4 weeks of bedrest, in a hospital, without any comforts of home except those who came to see me.

I continued to intermediately leak fluid, which ended up being a good thing as they were able to test a sample of it on Sunday, May 30th to see how mature baby's lungs were. The FLM (fetal lung maturity) test showed a score of 49, which was an intermediate score, 55 is the beginning of mature. So, although this wasn't showing completely mature, it was definitely showing progress.


That Sunday was a very emotionally stressful day. If you read my blog, you know that was the day where the intern said one thing (we won't be rushing to deliver anytime soon), the doctor came in and shocked me with the question "so how do you feel about having a baby today" and then after I managed to get ahold of Brian who was on his way to the hospital at lord knows how fast of a speed, when she said "oh you have had a past section, I don't want to induce for stress on you". This was a relief, but it certainly didn't help my mental state of mind. Thank God for my nurse Mari, who advocated for my concerns. She is the biggest reason, baby got another week in the tummy.

The week up to his birth was rough. As I said, I was spent in many ways. I cried daily, just the topping of every emotion I had that I couldn't deal with. I totally lost my appetite, couldn't eat, and was loosing weight, which isn't good for the baby I was already terrified would be too tiny. I was given an antidepressant, which takes a week to work, convinced it never helped, but did give me more to worry about exposing my baby to. I tried to eat as many high calorie food items and ensure drinks to just maintain weight.

So while dealing with all of the stress, I tried to go about my "normal" bedrest routine: mind numbing tv, books, journalling, trying to eat (after 5 weeks of hospital food), going to bed only to sleep for 2 hours max at a time, due to left side restriction (pain, sore muscles) and frequent bathroom breaks which required someone to take off and put back on my leg exercisers. So as you can imagine, not fun.

On Friday, June 5th, I had a couple visitors. Mimi and Maureen came to see me around lunch time. Maureen brought me the best thing that I had eaten since the BLT she brought me the day before...a gyro, which was a new and delicious food, I just wish I could have eaten the bread on it. Wow, it was good, even with no appetite! However, the onions would come back to hunt me as little did I know, it was my last meal for the next 20 hours. And I distinctly re.member my mouth tasting like ass all night long, with nothing to help it, but ice chips!

That morning, they wanted me to try to get another sample of amniotic fluid so they could do another FLM test. I attempted to a collection at about 2pm and found that instead of fluid, I was leaking blood. I immediately called the nurse, who called the doctor, and then I called Brian. Needless to say, he was on the other side of town and he beat the doctor to the room, who was there a few floors down.

The nurses started "just in case" procedures, starting an IV, taking all my vitals, calling the doc on call, and making arrangements with anesthesia and L&D floor. Soon, I met Dr. Hamilton, the smoother than smooth doc, doc that delivered the baby. He told me we would be going to L&D to get the baby out, depending on the traffic, it could be 15 minutes or 2 hours. It was 4pm, because Judge Judy was on, and they said, "ok, let's have a baby!"

I was rolled down to anesthesia, got a spinal, which was delayed for 7 minutes, because Dr. Hamilton had to sneak out and deliver a baby...it took 7 minutes, seriously. Which is about half of the time my whole procedure took.

It was a very routine c-section, he said he just "followed the dots" from the last one as the nurses chatted about the delicious brownies that they had for lunch. I
was kinda drugged, but I do remember these things from the birth:

1. He said he made the incision small because he was thinking baby would be small and he was pleasantly surprised he was bigger than expected.

2. I saw and heard my little boy for the first time, wailing like crazy and he didn't really look that small.

3. His apgar scores were 8 at 1 minute, 9 at 5 minutes (better than Greyson's for the record)

4. Brian and I melting in emotion when he took his first real breaths with no assistance needed

So, from the time we left our room to the first cries of the little boy who stole our hearts, it was only 40 minutes. Now our little family is complete!

Giving thanks....Day 6

Today, I give thanks for some of the most amazing and special people on the face of the earth....nurses, especially NICU nurses.

I have said before, they are angels walking on earth. If it were not for the nurses at Bronson and Spectrum, in the NICU and antepartum floor, I would have never made it through this summer.

When your water unexpectedly breaks at 28 weeks (or earlier or later, but before 40) as mine did, chances are you are going to have a premature baby. Chances are you will go into labor within 24-48 hours of that happening. I was in the lucky minority, that made it 5 weeks after that point.

To provide the best case scenario for the baby, you will be admitted to the hospital and stay there until the baby is born. While you are there, you will ride a rollercoaster of emotions, highs and lows, feel stressed, be ever so concerned about the health of your baby, and maybe have to deal with it completely on your own.

This is why the role of an antepartum nurse is so important. This is the person that will support you, prepare you for what to expect, deescalate your rants and emotional outburts, and advocate for you when you are too emotionally or physically fragile to do so. I deeply feel it is because of a very special nurse that was able to advocate for me, that Gunner was born at 33 weeks, not 32. Because at 32 weeks, the MFM on duty asked me "how do you feel about having a baby today" and I broke down unable to compose any thoughts. It was Mari, who defused the situation and told the doctor, no she is not ready. So I had a baby when he was ready (due to circumstances beyond anyone's control) not when the doctor was ready.

Once you have that baby, as I said he or she will be premature. A premature baby is not a full term baby, and even an experienced and seasoned parent needs help. The person who takes you through day after day of mental preparation to be a preemie mom (or dad), is a NICU nurse. They teach you about how to care for your preemie, how to understand the care they are given, what to expect in the hospital and once they go home, work the monitors they are on, the respiratory support they are on, the future they may face, the way to feed them, the way to understand their signals, the importance of swaddling and kangaroo care (espeically to a preemie) and to also help you as a parent deal with all of the emotions you are feeling over the health of your child and the loss of a full term pregnancy.

So today, I give thanks for nurses, especially the ones that helped me through my stressful summer; the amazing nurses at Bronson and Spectrum.

Giving Thanks..Day 5

Today, I give thanks for breast milk. I know this may be way TMI, but as a mom of two babies who were both small at birth, one preemie (4 lb) and one full term 5 lb 12 oz, who was down to 5 lb 4 oz by the time we left the hospital), to me it is somewhat of a miracle food.

Both of my boys were tiny when they were born. Both well below average in terms of weight. I did everything right while I was pregnant, I ate well, I went to prenatal checkups, I avoided all the bad stuff, including caffiene, but both boys were born small; one too small and too soon. If my weight gain was any indication of how much they were gaining, both would have been 10 lbers!

So my body on the inside, kinda failed them, as I see it. Neither was really thriving on the inside; Gunner arguably, may have been an 8 pounder, if he stayed in till full term, but that we will never know. However, once they were born, the story changes.

Greyson, born at 5lb 12oz, was over 10 lbs at two months, doubling his birthweight extremely quickly. Gunner, born at 4 lbs, was 8 lbs at two months. The only form of nutrition these boys got was breast milk. Above, is a picture of Gunner at 1 week. Below is a picture of Gunner at 13 weeks.

As an instructor, I know the textbooks say it is the perfect nutrition for babies, but it was my own personal experience that actually proved it to me. I have to share another story, that is not my own, that shows the power of this perfect food for babies:

Jayden was born cocaine and alcohol addicted, with congenital syphilis,at 31 weeks gestation. She had no skin on the palms of her hands orfeet and had to have skin grafts. She was the fourth child to be taken from her mother, and was taken at birth and brought directly to the NICU. The birth mother's parental rights were terminated within 12 weeks, which is very fast in MIchigan. They could find no formula that Jayden could tolerate well, but settled on the one that she had the "least severe reaction to."

When she was about eight weeks old, she was assigned a foster parent, who came to do kangaroo care with her for eight days before she took er home, as Jayden was completely blind and profoundly deaf, and would need to be accustomed to "mom's" smell and touch before they sent her home. When she went home, she was the most critical discharge they have ever had from that NICU, which routinely sees the sickest of babies.

Basically, with tears in their eyes, the nurses sent Jayden home to die. Jayden was insulin dependant (with critically unstable blood sugars, typically either below 60 or above 400), on oxygen 24 hours a day, and set off her apnea monitor 6-10 times a day. In order to set off a monitor, she would have to not breathe for many seconds at a time. She had gained and lost the same three ounces since birth, and was no more than four and a half pounds. Her foster mother asked over and over again of anybody who had authority why this baby couldn't be on breastmilk, shouldn't this baby be on breast milk, what did she have to do to get this baby on breastmilk? Over and over, she was basically told that this was a medicaid baby and that the state wouldn't PAY for banked milk (which costs between 1-2 dollars an ounce, and has been pasteurized) for a MEDICAID baby. Finally, one day, when Jayden was literally activly dying, an infectious disease doctor looked at her foster mom (who is a friend of mine because of foster work and doula work) and said, "I won't tell you NOT to give her breastmilk. We know that it would give her the best chance!" So, we got her some frozen breastmilk.

With her first bottle of human milk, Jayden's blood sugar regulated. She is typically somewhere around 120 now. Within the first three weeks, she regained her sight and hearing. Her new pediatrician says that when somebody is actively dying their brain will shut off all non-essential functions--and hearing and sight are non-essential functions. The first week on breastmilk she started to only set off her apnea monitor during the night's deepest sleep...and only then typically once a night. Within three weeks, they took it off of her completely, because she just didn't set it off any more. THe first week she gained and KEPT ON four ounces. The next week three. The next week SEVEN. Now, she has gained nearly four pounds (eight weeks later). We now have full cooperation with her new pediatrician and the state to give her human milk, no questions asked.

We have tried her on formula again, and on "extra calories" breastmilk boosters several times, to see what would happen should we run out of breastmilk. The baby immediately goes into cirsis again. Formula is NOT okay. She is showing strong allergies to cow's milk proteins, soy proteins, and corn and corn derivitives, which pretty much eliminates every form of artificial milk we have available. This baby was literally dying (the new pediatrician looked at her stats on intake and stood up and hugged foster mom saying, "If you hadn't started this baby on human milk a week ago, she would be dead today--you are a Hero!"), and now has a chance at life.

I am a milk donor at Bronson, where my excess milk helps the babies in the NICU. I am shamelessly a milking cow. I have donated over 1600oz...which is about 12 gallons, including at least 200 oz of preterm milk (milk from the first month after birth of a preemie) which goes only to the micro-preemies, those who are most medically fragile, born shortly after gestational viability. While, this is extremely gratifying, I never see the babies I help, even though I know they are helped, just like my son. However, with little Jayden, I have seen a picture, and I have seen the warm dark eyes that I will be helping. She is going to get some of my excess milk as well.

As I said, this may be TMI for some, but for moms, they get it. Today, I give thanks for breast milk.

Giving Thanks...Day 4

Today, I give thanks for family. Not just in the biological sense, but in the emotional and supportive sense. The people that show up when you need it most. With this definition, I would include family by marriage and close friends. Although, I come from a large family, but we unfortunately are not extraordinarily close.

This summer was quite an eye opener. My situation, call it dramatic or not, was what could be life or death, either for me or my sweet baby. It could have played out much differently and I thank God everyday that I am so blessed that it didn't.

I spent a large part of my summer, 3 months worth, surrounded by 4 walls or 3 and a curtian. I am referencing the 12 weeks of bedrest and NICU time. This could have been a very lonely, stressful and difficult time for me. Thanks to all the visits, phone calls, emails, cards, flowers, and gifts, it wasn't.

My hospital room routinely looked like a greenhouse and smelled even better. Between my bedrest and the birth of Gunner, I think I received over 20 floral arrangements. I honestly think Aunt Sandy had 1-800-flowers on speed dial. Sometimes I would get a new one before the last one had expired. I remember those sunny sunflowers the most, they were sooo cheery, when I was not so much!

Trudging to the NICU day after day, when you know your baby is not coming home, riding the elevator with countless family members and friends who were all there to see the new full term, 8 lb baby, so excited with love and joy was hard. Of course, I would never do it any other way, but it was hard. To have someone to share it with, made it so much easier. That person, who was there, day after day after day, was Mimi. She was there making a 2 hour commute (one way) to Grand Rapids several times a week, she was there daily in Kalamazoo, and she was there everyday with Gunner. Even on a day when her husband had to go to the hospital...well that was the day Gunner arrived on this earth, so hell or high water, it was obvious she would be there.

As I said, friends can be family too. I will never forget what may seem trivial to some, food, brought by a friend. As I was on a gestational diabetic diet, by the end of the haul I had almost totally lost my appetite. I would force myself to eat, I would drink ensure shakes, I would feel full from the prior meal, but still call for more food, even though I couldn't get it down...for the hope of having a bigger small baby. On several occasions, a wonderful friend, Maureen, brought me non-hospital food. Food that actually made me hungry and tasted good. Funny how it was that yummy food made such a difference in my day. As she works downtown she came to see me pretty regularly at lunch. More recently, a friend who we have helped in the past, returned the favor, which is very much appreciated too.

I was surprised how even strangers can be helpful and supportive. People I may not know, but they knew of me and my situation sent me treats and goodies and flowers. All of these gestures were not forgotten.

Today, I give thanks for family.

Giving Thanks....Day 3

Today, I give thanks for my angel baby, Gunner. My last and very special boy. At five months 1 week and 2 days (actual) I already have soooo much invested and soooo much to love.

As I said, five months actual. That means there is an adjusted age too; that age is only 3 months 3 weeks. Yes, he was born seven weeks too soon. His prematurity is honestly a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing because I am now a powerful advocate for him and all preemies, it has changed me as a mom and a person, for the better I think. It is a curse for obvious reasons, the 6 weeks of hospital bedrest, the 6 weeks of NICU time, the uncertainty and stress of all of that. However, those "curses" made the blessing, that is him, so much more noticeable. So, as I said, at such a young age, we already have so much invested, which makes us so very very thankful.

Gunner is developing right at about the typical 4 to 4 1/2 month level. He is communicating with us with delightful coos, babbles, giggles and laughs. He studies his hands, eats them quite frequently, manipulates toys and takes his paci in and out of his mouth. I think I have seen him transfer as well. He has amazing head control and core strength. He will pull himself to a 90-degree sit if you recline him on your lap. So for all of his normal level developments, I am ever so thankful. As with a preemie, you have the chance and probability of delays in motor and cognitive development, and he seems to have none, being well within the range of normal.

His size, being a preemie, of course was and is a constant concern. However, my boy is putting his parents and peditrician at ease, with successfully gaining both weight and length, enough to put him in the lower levels of "normal baby" stats, although on the lower levels.

No one ever questions a name after it is given. Before maybe, but after it is associated with a precious baby, so no one ever asks. Gunner was my choice. I chose it one, because it goes good with Greyson, but the meaning is scandanavian, and it means bold warrior. My little bold warrior of the NICU. It gave me peace that I armed him not only with prayers of his family and friends, but a strong name so he could fight for his life when he was sooo small. He is living up to his name.

So, on this day, I give thanks for my sweet baby Gunner.

Gunner laughs

I got it....here is Gunner belly laughing for Daddy. Daddy made Greyson laugh the first time too!

Prematurity Awareness Topic: NICU Feedings

...Fight for Preemies Nov 17th

Full term babies can breast or bottle feed easily within minutes of birth. Preterm babies cannot. NICU feeding is different than feeding a full term baby, yet another complication of prematurity. Most NICU babies get their first feedings thru a tube in their mouth or nose. Not the bonding moment most moms dream of when they picture feeding their newborn the first time.

This is a topic that is near and dear to my heart for two reasons:

I had a sweet baby boy, born 7 weeks too early and a lot the information in this great article of this applies to him and the path he was on only a few months ago.

I am extremely proud to be a human milk donor to our local NICU, so not only my son has benefitted from the gift of breast milk, but other babies whose mom's choose not to or cannot breastfeed as well. I have donated over 1600 oz to date, that in gallons is roughly 12. Considering when my son was released from the NICU he was only taking about 2 1/2 oz. that amount will feed a ton of babies!

The Boston's Children's Hospital explained it quite well on their page:

Nutrition for babies in the NICU:

Feeding babies in the NICU is quite different from feeding healthy babies. When babies are sick or premature, they are often not well enough to breastfeed or take a bottle. Premature babies may not be able to suck effectively, or their gastrointestinal tracts may not be mature enough to digest feedings. Babies who are medically unstable are often unable to take regular feedings. Babies with umbilical catheters and those on mechanical ventilators may not be able to be fed because of the risk of aspiration (breathing food into the lungs).

Intravenous (IV) Fluids and Parenteral Nutrition

Many babies in the NICU receive essential fluids and electrolytes through a tube in a vein called intravenus (IV) fluids. Some babies may need a special preparation called parenteral nutrition, which contains nutrients they need until they are able to take milk feedings.
The contents of IV fluids and perenteral nutrition are carefully calculated for each baby. Calories, protein, fats, and electrolytes including sodium, potassium, chloride, magnesium, and calcium are all important components. Babies need calories, protein, and fats for adequate growth and development. Fluids, electrolytes, and vitamins are necessary for functioning of body systems.

Blood tests help determine how much of each component a baby needs and the amount of each nutrient can be increased or decreased accordingly. Daily weights and keeping track of a baby's urine output also help monitor fluid needs.

Sick babies may not be strong enough to suck effectively. Premature babies may not be physically mature enough to coordinate sucking, swallowing, and breathing, or they may be too weak to suck for long periods of time. Special pacifiers designed for premature babies are sometimes used to teach them how to suck properly before they begin to breastfeed or bottle feed.

A mother's breast milk is the preferred milk for all babies, even the most premature babies. Breast milk contains all the nutrients needed for growth and development. Although commercial milk formulas are designed to be close to breast milk, most are based on cow's milk. The fats in breast milk are more easily digested. Formula is digested more slowly than breast milk and may not be as well tolerated. In addition, breast milk contains antibodies from the mother to help protect babies from infection, something commercial formulas do not have. This protection is especially important when babies are sick or premature and may have higher chances of developing an infection.

Premature babies, especially those younger than 32 to 34 weeks gestation, often cannot be fed from the breast or bottle. Gavage or tube feedings may be needed until the baby learns to suck effectively. For gavage feedings, a small flexible tube is placed into a baby's nostril or mouth and passed down into the stomach. The tube is sometimes removed, but may be left in place if feedings are frequent.

As you can see, Gunner had feeding tubes in two different locations. They started in his mouth and moved to the nostril when he became more interested in breast feeding. He then graduated to bottle feeds. None of this was in the plans, but prematurity changed all that!

Giving Thanks...Day 2

Today, I am thankful for my sweet first born boy. He has been a joy since he was born three years ago. He was my first and he taught me what being a Mommy feels like and it is still my favorite job.

He like Gunner was small when he was born. He also was angelic. He never cried unless he really really needed something. Even in the middle of the night, he would stir and grunt, but never cry. He was such an easy baby I was sure that if we had a second, it would be a handful.

He is three, so he can be quite the handful, but he is a wonderful and smart little boy. I am amazed when I watch him grow and become the little person he is.

Of course, being an only child for three years doesn't lend to taking a back seat to a new baby well. But honestly, he only shows his "jealousy" by being louder or making sure you know he is still there. He loves his little brother and I am so enjoying them becoming friends.

Here are some of the amazing things he can do or has done:


1) He potty trained himself while I was in the hospital this summer, all the while he was shuffling from house to house so Daddy could take care of me.

2) He can count to ten

3) He recognizes shapes and colors

4) His memory is excellent (better than mine at times)

He is definitely a special boy, today, I give thanks for Greyson Luke Young, my first born son.

Giving Thanks...Day 1

I have been challenged to come up with something that I am thankful for each day until Thanksgiving. While there are so many things that I am thankful for and that I feel blessed with, I have to start with what makes the majority of those possible. My husband, my partner, and the love of my life, Brian.

I am so thankful for him, because he is w.hy I made it through this rough summer, he is the reason I have two beautiful children (one who is delightfully cooing right next to me), he is why I am as happy as I am today and everyday.

I wrote earlier today, that this summer's experience, the hospital bedrest and NICU time was actually bittersweet. How could something like that be any part of sweet? Becuase the outpouring of support was so amazing. I felt so loved and am so grateful for it all. But who of course was the moving force behind that? My sweet husband. He called many times a day, he visited regularly, he took care of our little boy at home, and just kept me sane.

He is an amazing father. He plays hard with Greyson even if he just worked a 10 hour day, he wakes him up and makes getting ready to go to school at 6:50am fun, he coos right back at Gunner, and snuggles with him when I have to work late. All of this simply makes my heart melt.

Today, I give thanks for my hubby.

How lucky we actually were...

So I have mentioned many times how lucky we were to have Gunner keep baking as long as he did. In honor of Prematurity Awareness Month I did some research to see how lucky we actually were. The reason Gunner was born early was due to preterm premature rupture of membranes (pPROM)...we beat the odds as you can see below, by making it for over a month after my water breaking so early (28 weeks). PROM is the single most common diagnosis leading to admission of the newborn to intensive care nursing.

Here are some stats:

• 1/3 of preterm births are due to preterm premature rupture of the membranes (PPROM).
• About 75% of all women with PPROM will deliver within 1 week, and nearly all will deliver preterm.
• Major neonatal infections occur in about 5% of all cases of preterm PROM, and in 15 - 20% of those with chorioamnionitis. .
• Only about 20% PProms will prolong pregnancy duration up to 1 month.

So as you can see, I was in the minority to maintain the pregnancy without infection and without spontaneous onset of labor, and with a perfectly formed and healthy baby boy to show for it!

Stay tuned for the birth story...

Halloween Hijinks

Gunner celebrated his first Halloween here on this earth...I was getting all mushy like because last Halloween I was pregnant and didn't even know it yet! We celebrated by watching all of the trick or treaters and Daddy took little man G out on the streets.

Here are my boys! Trick and Treat...I will let you guys guess who is who..:)

I also took some awesome fall shots...it is so pretty at our house right now! There is actually a pumpkin right next to Gunner (aka Pumkin) and believe or not, it is bigger than he is!